Vision of a Visionary

He looked upon the vast span of city lying in front of him. Mumbai had grown so much in 50 years. Actually the whole world had changed drastically. He felt it even more intensely whenever he recalled his childhood memories. The world was changing rapidly, even then. The gap in changing times was visible when he was a college student. Children just one or two years younger than him had access to technologies and facilities that he didn’t have when he was in their position. Sometimes he thought, ‘Do they really need all this at this age? Shouldn’t they be just concentrating on studies? What are the parents thinking?’ But soon, he used to shrug off all those doubts convincing self that those thoughts were out of pure jealousy and it was the need of the generation. And yes, to some extent it was the need of the generation. In the fast developing country, everyone was chasing an American dream. With exposure to lives of people in one of the wealthiest nations in the world, mainly through films and internet, every Indian had a dream of a lavish lifestyle. But not everyone could afford it. Those who could were content with their lives and didn’t try to look back at where they actually were. Those who couldn’t, kept trying, very few getting successful. The country was starkly divided in three classes, upper, middle and lower, the gap between them fast increasing. There were many who realised this but very few who actually did something to fill the gap. He was one of the few. He understood the desperate need of social upliftment. That one desire to do something for his people kept growing in all those years of school and college. But in a country ridden with bad politics and corruption, you cannot do much which will have a large impact. His friends opposed his views. ‘What change can a single person bring?’ But he reasoned with them saying, a tiny difference would one day induce a revolutionary change. He was ready to wait for countless years to see the positive outcome of his efforts to do something.

After graduation he worked for a company. He had, like any other student, the desire to work with latest technology, to develop something new, something that the world will recognise him for. But soon he realised the near zero possibility of reaching out to people from his job. He left the job and decided to enter the field he always loved but never thought seriously about entering, teaching. He became a professor, a good teacher who could communicate well with his students, who had the desire to expose students to as many things as he could.

Meanwhile, he married his childhood love, Sunanda. They were deeply in love. Their parents were shocked at first to hear about them; ‘love marriage’ still propagated negative feelings then. But eventually they understood the maturity and deepness of love of their children and gave in. Sunanda always supported his views, and as the saying goes, she was the woman behind him. With her love, he was even more powerful and determined. They had a son, Akash. It was a happy family.

Through this profession, he could always relive his old days at college; it inspired him to do more and more. Through all those years and experiences, his views of upliftment changed but the aim remained the same; do something constructive for the nation. His aim was to create a sensitive and intelligent next generation that would keep on making the difference. Apart from his job, he held free classes for poor students, slum-dwellers, always trying to fill the gap as much as he can.

He smiled a little. That was the most satisfying period of his life. Or was it?

He was not satisfied. Had he failed in his purpose of life? Not exactly! The world around him never stopped. Nation was fast developing. But somewhere in the process of development, it took a slightly wrong turn. Imitating the Americans became the key to happy life. Notions of freedom, independence changed, rather were mistaken by the new generation. The league of poverty, unemployment, corruption and improper education got a new addition, moral degradation. He understood, his generation was the one which will shape coming generations but the challenges of it just kept increasing. Eventually many people of his age lost the race and gave in to the changing times. Changing morality was not the only issue; there were people who welcomed this change with open hands, most of them from upper class. He called it ‘moral degradation’, they called it ‘moral evolution’. The country, already with divided opinions on many issues got further fractured.

Even he didn’t mind the change at first, until it began going out of control. He was most horrified when his friend’s baby’s first word was ‘fuck’, which the baby boy had learnt from his older brother. Yes, it was a pretty common word by then; even he wouldn’t have minded it, had it been from anyone older. But at that moment, suddenly he felt twitch in his stomach; he felt uneasiness growing; then he felt extremely grateful for Akash’s elementary school teachers, after all they are the people who have major influence on children after the parents. He felt the fear of emotional detachment from his son, ‘Am I communicating well with him? Will he pick up any bad things from his surroundings? How do I tell him what is bad and what’s not? Do I wait until he does something bad?’ He shut his mind for a moment, let his racing heart rest. ‘Probably I am going a bit too far. He is just a kid and he will learn as he grows, just like me.’

Then the world just got more modern. Movies were selling soft porn in the name of youthful stories. Lust took over love; attraction and fascination were synonymous to love. The debates on live-in relationships, underage sex took a backseat as upper class and so called ‘modernists’ embraced the false freedom. Lower class, with lack of education went in with the flow like an uncontrolled boat getting tossed on the waves. Middle class never was a driving force. They were content in their own lives, reluctant but ready to change with the changing world if needed. They couldn’t argue against the change. Even he couldn’t. But somewhere inside he didn’t feel it right. His semi-orthodox upbringing told him better than to blindly follow someone else’s culture. But he kept silent, telling himself he was already doing much more for the next generation and he could always control his own son’s world. His rage grew whenever he saw couples kissing on the streets. That had become common by now. He wanted to scream when someone told him that someone’s son had a one night stand. He didn’t trust his surroundings. He just trusted his own people, parents, close relatives, wife, son...

He sometimes felt the hopelessness closing in on him. He remembered his friends’ words. ‘Nothing is going to change. Why bother yourself with what world wants to do!!’ But his other self used to spring back, ‘Perhaps not in this lifetime, but in long run, it will matter’. And then Sunanda was always there, to bring him back to his optimistic self. He wouldn’t have held himself so strongly without her. The world had changed so much...

He closed his eyes tightly, to block out further memories.

At one of Akash’s birthday parties, Akash kissed one of his girl-friends on the lips. He and Sunanda were shocked, Akash’s other friends mildly surprised. He kept his cool until the party ended. As soon as everyone was off, he had an outburst of anger. He desperately wanted an explanation. What Akash said was not what they expected. ‘What baba, she is my girlfriend. We like each other. I only just kissed her. What’s the big deal.’

‘Couldn’t you first just introduce her to us?’, Sunanda, forcefully calm.

‘Mom, it’s not serious. Not just yet. What?? What’s the problem with kissing? It’s normal.’

‘NOT NORMAL FOR EVERYONE. Let me get this straight, Akash. Our culture is different. I don’t care what others are doing, but we feel... I’ll talk clearly... we feel, physical intimacies are a no-no at your age. All this kissing and...and...all other things should happen after marriage which will happen when you have your true love. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?’ He was full of rage.

‘But... It’s just a kiss, come on... Baba, this is very much normal. And I am not doing anything wrong or harmful. This is my life. I have done whatever you wanted all my life. I have always got good marks, I have studied hard. Now I will do what i want’.

‘But Akash...’

‘When all my friends had mobiles in school, you didn’t give me one. I agreed. I am using same old laptop from last 3 years. You told me, you’ll buy me a new one once I am graduated. I agreed. And there are many more things like this. I understand your rules but I won’t put limitations on my own life.’ And he strode off and banged his bedroom door shut.

He and Sunanda stared at each other lifelessly.

Arguments over different things were common for them, but this was the most unexpected of all. His heart was screaming out loud inside, ‘What did we do wrong?’.

Over the next week, same argument continued with different decibel levels but at the end, both of them realised, even if they succeed in making him believe, it’ll be momentary; World around him wouldn’t let him be sane for long. They couldn’t argue. Young people want convincing answers. They did not have them. ‘It just doesn’t feel right’ didn’t work anymore.

Akash stopped bringing his friends home. He started spending more and more time outside. What could they say? The more you put bounds on someone, the more they try to escape. Akash completed his graduation and got a high paying job. He never forced any particular profession on Akash but in mind he wanted him to be a teacher, just like him. Akash’s job was in Pune. When he left them, he showed no remorse, no sorrow. He was excited at the thought of going to a new place.

Just one year into his job, and Akash was arrested by the police in a rave party raid. It was a big blow to him and Sunanda. He managed to release him with help of a friend. Sunanda scolded Akash, finally pleading him not to go out of bounds. One month after the incident, Akash had called to say he loved a girl and wanted to marry her. The girl’s parents didn’t approve of the marriage and nor did he. He wanted his son to concentrate on his career first. He opposed the marriage. Despite the disapprovals, Akash and that girl, Ayesha got married. But somehow they couldn’t get along with each other and both filed for divorce in less than a year. Akash called to inform this decision to his parents. Sunanda and he tried to help him with his family problems but he was firm on his decision. Another blow!

Meanwhile his parents died of old age. He felt very lonely, but consoled himself. He felt disconnected from everyone except Sunanda. All the expectations from his son had come down crashing.

Two years later, Akash married again. This time his parents chose the girl for him after lot of heated debates. They lived happily for some years and had a son, Ayush. He and Sunanda were very happy that at last their son was well settled. But again, problems reappeared in their settled family and Akash and his wife had a divorce over some infidelity issues. Ayush was 10 years old by then. He chose to stay with his mother. Even Akash didn’t try to have him in his custody.

For him and Sunanda, the world kept falling apart. Akash wanted to be truly independent, he didn’t involve them in his personal or professional matters. The gap between them just kept increasing.

Both he and Sunanda were in their seventies now. Sunanda wasn’t feeling well lately. She was very weak. At the age of 72, Sunanda passed away due to major health problems. It was a major setback for him. He suddenly felt he wanted to talk with her so many things. He suddenly had a guilty feeling that all his life he kept thinking about others and didn’t pay proper attention to his family. He missed her so much. His biggest support, his closest ally, his other half, his love was no more. Akash offered him to come to Pune and stay with his family, but he refused.

Two days after Sunanda’s funeral, he was housecleaning, when he found a note under her bed. He opened it. Sunanda’s handwriting. Trembling, he sat down on the bed and read it:

Dear hubby,

I am making sure you don’t get this while I am alive. :)

I don’t think I will live long. But I just can’t tell you this just now, so writing a note. (after soo many years)

I know you are very disappointed about the turns our life took. Yes, it was unfortunate but let me tell you, you are not a failure. You always worked hard to achieve your aim and you have achieved it. Think of all those students you have taught, are all of them going to take a wrong way? Someone will continue your work. Remember what you used to say, ‘Even a tiny difference will induce a revolutionary change’? You made more than a tiny difference my love. I am proud of you. I have never seen anybody as determined and as patient as you. You just felt more disappointed because our own son didn’t follow your steps. But trust me, you are the best husband, best father and the best human being I have ever seen. I am very proud of you.

Don’t miss me too much. I am always there with you. Enjoy, and don’t make me wait too long here. :) Kidding. Live long.

Yours only,

Sune.

Tears rolled down his cheeks. He read it again and again. He sobbed inconsolably. Her loss struck him harder than ever. But his mind was at peace. He had received his biggest compliment. All dissatisfaction was gone. For the first time in life, he felt totally content, satisfied.

Few years passed. Some of his friends died of old age, some moved away. He talked with Akash, but they could never be friends, a deep father-son relation never developed between them. It was a horribly lonely world. He missed Sunanda, he missed her so much.

‘Without you I was nothing. You taught me the patience, you taught me the tolerance, you taught me to live and I can’t live without you’ He thought.

Before coming here, he had written a mail to Sunanda and sent it on her now defunct email address.

Dear wifey,

It’s been five years since you left me. Live long, you said. Yes I am living long, see? I still don’t have much health issues.

Suni, the world has changed very much. I don’t think anyone else than our generation has seen this much change in one lifetime. After you left me, I tried to keep pace with the world, I continued my work. But everything just seems disconnected now. No friends to share feelings. Akash calls once a week or so. Ayush is in 12^th now. Everyone is happy in their own life. I sometimes think I took my aim of reformation a bit too far. But whenever I read your note, I feel, no, it was necessary at that time. I just couldn’t see the world will change so much around us.

But now I can’t keep up with this change. I am very lonely, I miss your warm palms on my back when I sit at the table, depressed. I miss your whisper, I miss your encouraging words, I miss you very much. I don’t even know when I am going to die. Too bad, we shouldn’t have done regular exercise :)

I am coming to meet you. Can’t wait longer.

Yours only.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes to take a quick glance at his life. He stepped over the railing, crossed it and leaned backwards, vast sand on the shore spread far below him, hands tightly clutching the railing. ‘Am I running away from my life? No. I have just lived as much as I wanted.’ And his hands let go...

He could hear the wind rushing... He was afraid... palms sweating... falling down... He recoiled, eyes wide open. He was drenched in sweat, his body trembling, fan whirling overhead. ‘Was it a dream?? What the hell of a dream, God.’ He struggled to find his mobile in the dark. ‘Got it. What’s the the time, where am I? September 2010. Huhhhh’ He sat on the bed, let his mind calm a bit. ‘You are still a student, whatever you saw was just a dream’ he recovered. ‘Thank god’. He tried to remember everything at once, laughed with relief. He slept again, thinking ‘there is still so much scope to improve things.’

It started to dawn outside.