Lovers' Dilemma - Part 2

Both care – ‘Occasional bickering’

Karan and Neha were in college together. Now both have got jobs in different cities. They used to call and message each other every day, but lately Karan has been busy in his new project. He wants to impress his boss by working hard from the beginning. He is not happy because he doesn’t get enough time to talk with Neha. She gets angry because of their abrupt conversations. He finds it hard to manage both.

Neha is a very understanding girl. She knows Karan’s responsibilities have increased. But there are many new developments around her and she wants to share them with Karan and the list is just piling on. “At least sometimes he should reserve time for me. We don’t talk as much as we used to. I’m afraid this will continue and he’ll stop caring”, she says.

One cares, one doesn’t – ‘Testing her/his patience’

Rahul and Shweta have a different story to tell. Rahul is pursuing MBA and Shweta works in a software company. She calls Rahul whenever she gets time. Rahul finds her calls interfering. He insists that he has to mix up more with the other students and has to concentrate on the studies.  “There are other things on my priority list right now”, he says. He is happy as far as she cares and understands him.

Shweta understands him but still argues that he can get some time out for her. She is there for him whenever he needs her, but it hurts her that she’s the only one who cares.

Both don’t care – ‘Tipping point’

Manish and Dipti are an extreme case. She is studying and he works. They used to talk regularly in the beginning but it gradually reduced. Now they call each other once a day just for the sake of it. “I don’t care. I’m enjoying my life. A daily ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ is enough.”, says Manish, and Dipti’s reply is, “I’ve stopped caring. It’s better this way. Why torture myself expecting nice things from someone who doesn’t give a damn!”

Let’s think. Surely at some point of time every one of them has taken decisions rationally, thinking about his/her own comfort and satisfaction. This can be modelled as a game where payoffs represent the overall satisfaction level.

This is a game similar to Prisoners’ Dilemma. It is clear from the table that ‘not caring’ increases payoff of a player irrespective of what the other player does. So both end up in ‘both-do-not-care’ outcome. This is the Nash Equilibrium.

This is not an optimum outcome for their relationship. A good relationship requires both partners to care for each other. Remember Ranga and Billa from Prisoners’ Dilemma? They made wrong choices due to lack of obvious incentives to choose the optimum state. Our Lovers are making the same mistake.

A big difference between Prisoner’s dilemma and Lover’s dilemma is that in Lover’s dilemma players learn over the time and choose their actions. Karan, Neha, Rahul, Shweta, Manish and Dipti all cared for each other when they started their relationships. Then their surroundings started affecting and they ended up in their respective conditions. We can even say that last two relationships are deteriorated versions of first. Can we pull them back towards their optimum conditions? What if we introduce some incentives? The greatest individual payoff is 3. What if we increase the payoff from (2,2) (‘Both care’) to (4,4)?

Any payoff more than 3 will force the individual to choose the optimum state. Increased payoff of (4,4) will work as an incentive and will prevent the risk of deviating from initial ‘both-care’ phase.

How to increase the payoff to (4,4)? The answer lies in question, why the payoff was less in the first place! Karan tried hard to balance work and relationship but failed. It was insecurity on the part of Neha. She also failed to recognize his efforts. They were happy but they could be happier if they had more understanding and less expectations.

Well, the role of game theory ends here. It was just an exercise to check whether theoretical results support human reasoning. I think they do, they tell the same solutions that our common sense tells us. Life and technology are interwoven.

Epilogue - 

When they met each other at the time of Diwali, Karan and Neha discussed their problems. They realized and accepted each other’s limitations. They decided to see to it that one’s expectations don’t burden the other. Today, they are happy as ever, satisfied at work and in their relationship. They are confident that there are no more rough patches in the future. As for Rahul, Shweta, Manish and Dipti, it is a matter of time and understanding before they realize the secret of incentives and get out of Lover’s Dilemma.