"Big little lies" and marital therapy

I read the novel 'Big Little Lies' a few months ago, and watched the well-made HBO series recently. It's a mystery-drama about rich lifestyles, affairs and revenge, with a strong feminist undercurrent. And there is a murder involved. I definitely recommend it (not the murder!). But one part in particular stuck with me and got me thinking about marital therapy. 

Celeste is an incredibly beautiful woman, a mother of two, happily married to a handsome Perry (or so she tells the world). But, Perry has anger issues. He hits her when something doesn’t go his way. Sometimes she hits back. Later they have angry wild sex that seems to make everything normal. Celeste is, in fact, in denial about her abusive marriage. Perry is a great father, he stood by her when she had a miscarriage. She thinks that all marriages have problems, so it's normal. After multiple therapy sessions, the therapist says this--

"

When are you gonna leave him, Celeste? When he hurts you bad enough? When he hurts the children? You need to rent an apartment. Stock the refrigerator, make sure the utilities are paid for, have the beds set up for the kids. Get it all ready so we can at least remove "Where will I go?" from the equation.

You'll have a place, another life standing by you should you need it. In the meantime, start documenting the abuse. Write everything down. Photograph your injuries. Keep doctor reports. That could be important in a custody battle. Men like your husband typically go for custody. They have the resources, the money, the contacts. Most importantly, they have the ego to see this through. 

Have you told anybody else about the abuse? No, why not? Find a friend to confide in. Do it today. Because if there is a custody battle, you know the lawyers will be asking "Did you ever tell anybody? Really, you told nobody at all? Is that because it never really happened? In fact, you repeatedly maintained what a wonderful husband and father he is. Nobody's ever witnessed this alleged abuse, ever. You said he was wonderful, now you say he's a monster. Were you lying then or are you lying now?"

You know, it is important to have a witness.

"

I liked how forward-looking the advice is. She doesn’t just tell Celeste to leave the abusive relationship, but how to leave it. Having a plan makes the idea more acceptable. This scene is widely regarded to be an accurate depiction of therapy in the cases of abuse (but not the one in the second season). Celeste doesn't accept it immediately but the tipping-point comes when she sees that behavior in her kids. 

The story has also other women going through different marital problems. But in general, it made me think and research seriously about therapy. In India, therapy, individual or couple, is looked down upon. One goes to therapy if things are really bad. But it need not be that way. Therapy is like cooking videos on Youtube. Do you watch them because you really suck at cooking? No, you want to know new recipes, new techniques to break the monotony of your cuisine. Similarly, couples' therapy is not just for dire situations. It can give you valuable information about managing conflicts (even of low significance) better, about improving general understanding and keeping the relationship lively. Having an external perspective helps. You may not notice some things but a third-person, especially an expert, does. You may have bottled up feelings that will find a proper way to come out. Therapy is not just for bad marriages. It can take a good marriage and make it better. My wife and I plan to do it.

Therapy is also extremely important in bad marriages. Generally, couples only seek family intervention and settle for it. Family intervention may or may not solve problems and it’s biased, clouded by the opinions of the society. Therapy is impartial, it's about what’s best for the relationship and for the concerned individuals. It should be done sooner, when the problems first appear, than later.

I know of bad marriages in the extended circle of friends, some even involving physical abuse. In most of them, the women are still languishing in their relationships for various reasons. Because this can be solved with a family meeting, why involve someone else, what will people say? Because these things happen in every marriage, suck it up. Because what about children? Because who will provide financially, what will people say if you stay at parents' home? It breaks my heart. I feel they would have better lives only if they were allowed to make their own decisions. I have strong, well-educated female friends. I hope they never have to make compromises in marriage that they will regret. I just want to say that, trouble or no trouble, you should definitely consider therapy. It's okay, it's normal.